I Drove a Truck and Hit Puberty Today

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The truck is so big it doesn’t fit into a selfie!

Due to a series of unfortunate events involving a rental car, today I found myself sitting in Dodge Ram 2500 on the streets above St. Louis.

And yes, I mean “above.” I’ve never driven a truck before, and this was quite the introduction. This truck sits a good 3 feet above any other car on the road–I know because I spent a short commute looking down on those other cars.

I only drove the truck for a total of 30 minutes round-trip to and from the rental car facility, but during those 30 minutes, a number of changes took place:

  • IMG_4516
    Walter is not amused by truck.

    Almost immediately, I found myself sizing up other trucks on the road. I’ve never given a horse’s ass about trucks before, but all of a sudden they were all I could see.

  • I started saying things like “horse’s ass” and “kickin’ the tires.”
  • I found myself nodding at other Dodge truck owners and giving the dead eye to Ford and GMC drivers.
  • I finally hit puberty.
  • I developed a Southern accent.
  • I bought 2 cows and a yearling to put in the flatbed.
  • I grew a full chest of hair that connected seamlessly with my newly grown beard.
  • At one point I looked in the mirror to see that I was wearing a cowboy hat.
  • Also, I was super, super worried about running into anything and everything. This truck was massive, way bigger than the Camry I’m used to driving. Just getting out of my parking space took something like an 18-point turn.

Overall, I’m grateful for the experience, but I’m glad to be driving a rental SUV instead of the truck to Indianapolis tomorrow. I’ll be out for the rest of the week at a convention, but I’ll be back on Sunday/Monday with a new entry!

In the meantime, tell me about your experience driving a truck if you’ve ever had the pleasure of doing so.

Also, does anyone want to buy 2 cows and a yearling?

 

6 thoughts on “I Drove a Truck and Hit Puberty Today”

  1. I’m a Civic man but every once in a while I get an SUV as a rental and look down on all the little people… and try not to scrape it against anything! I admit it takes me an embarrassingly long time to park it between the lines. 🙂

    Reply
  2. I’ve rented a truck for moving things a few times and I’ve never gotten comfortable with it, as I normally drive a corolla which is much lower to the ground. I dont mind a uhaul van as much for some reason, it handles as clunky as I’d expect it to. We bought a minivan earlier this year and I managed to hit the carport only once with it… its a matter of thinking of the vehicle as an extension of yourself and then realizing that you’ve grown overnight.

    Safe drive to GenCon.

    Reply
  3. Brings a tear to ma eye and recollects me them old verses ’bout ma truck, ma dog, and ma first love. “….And that’s the kinda tale that makes a country-western song.”

    I love you when you treat me right and when you misbehave.
    I loved you when you shot my dog and put him in his grave.
    You know I even loved you on that night not too far back,
    When you left my pick-up stranded on a mainline railroad track.

    Dad

    Reply
  4. Working at a summer camp for 6 years, I got to drive a one ton sometimes, which was a trip. But the best was driving an incredibly old and falling apart green pickup cleverly named “The Green Truck” around the back roads of southern Illinois to deliver supplies to adventure campers out on a horseback or climbing trip. These “roads” I got to drive on were more like creek beds and I literally sometimes bumped my head on the roof because jostling around those bumpy roads launched me airborne. I will likely never buy a truck but I felt like a complete badass and wouldn’t trade it for anything!

    Reply

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