I Drove a Truck and Hit Puberty Today


The truck is so big it doesn’t fit into a selfie!

Due to a series of unfortunate events involving a rental car, today I found myself sitting in Dodge Ram 2500 on the streets above St. Louis.

And yes, I mean “above.” I’ve never driven a truck before, and this was quite the introduction. This truck sits a good 3 feet above any other car on the road–I know because I spent a short commute looking down on those other cars.

I only drove the truck for a total of 30 minutes round-trip to and from the rental car facility, but during those 30 minutes, a number of changes took place:

  • IMG_4516

    Walter is not amused by truck.

    Almost immediately, I found myself sizing up other trucks on the road. I’ve never given a horse’s ass about trucks before, but all of a sudden they were all I could see.

  • I started saying things like “horse’s ass” and “kickin’ the tires.”
  • I found myself nodding at other Dodge truck owners and giving the dead eye to Ford and GMC drivers.
  • I finally hit puberty.
  • I developed a Southern accent.
  • I bought 2 cows and a yearling to put in the flatbed.
  • I grew a full chest of hair that connected seamlessly with my newly grown beard.
  • At one point I looked in the mirror to see that I was wearing a cowboy hat.
  • Also, I was super, super worried about running into anything and everything. This truck was massive, way bigger than the Camry I’m used to driving. Just getting out of my parking space took something like an 18-point turn.

Overall, I’m grateful for the experience, but I’m glad to be driving a rental SUV instead of the truck to Indianapolis tomorrow. I’ll be out for the rest of the week at a convention, but I’ll be back on Sunday/Monday with a new entry!

In the meantime, tell me about your experience driving a truck if you’ve ever had the pleasure of doing so.

Also, does anyone want to buy 2 cows and a yearling?