My Greatest Fears When Getting a Massage

10 months ago, I had the painful experience of my life: A non-stop series of neck spasms that shot daggers through my body, rendering me immobile for hours.

Fortunately, I healed, and the spasms haven’t returned. But recently I’ve noticed an increasing tightness in my neck, and I’m worried that the spasms may return.

So I took a proactive approach and did something I haven’t done in years: I scheduled an appointment with a massage therapist.

Now, don’t get me wrong: I love a good massage. But because I don’t have a medical need for it, it’s always felt like an indulgence, something to do on rare special occasions (or when injuries necessitate it).

Also, I have two fears related to massages: One, that I’ll relax so much that I’ll pass gas directly into the masseuse’s face. Two, that I’ll get really turned on right before they ask me to flip over.

Sure enough, as soon as the masseuse entered the room today to find me laying on the massage table, my body decided it was time to fart. I take part of the blame–it was me who made the choice to eat Qdoba for lunch.

Fortunately I pulled myself together and didn’t release any foul odors. Crisis averted.

The second fear ended up not being an issue. While the masseuse was female and had a wonderful sense of touch, she was nothing but professional, and every part of me was fully relaxed. I think she may have worked wonders on my neck.

Do you ever get professional massages? Do you have any odd fears regarding them?


6 Responses to “My Greatest Fears When Getting a Massage”

  1. Gregg says:

    I get massages rarely…one of my greatest fears is dying on the table, I know, strange!

    • Jamey Stegmaier says:

      Very interesting! Are you afraid of coincidentally dying on the table or that the masseuse will accidentally touch some combination of pressure points that cause instant death?

  2. Sara says:

    I’m just afraid that my body will be judged. It takes me a long time to work up to going to a new masseuse. I had a fantastic girl who did reflexology as well, but she moved away. I haven’t tried anyone else since, and it’s been 3 years.

  3. vindeux says:

    I have sometime trouble with the top of my back, Chinese medecine massage help me a lot, it’s radical, very painful the first time (a lot of big muscle knot), but very effective

    Same fear … and it happen… but without odors…
    The masseur and one of his colleague laughed >_>
    Total shame >_<

    I think it's my only fear when getting a massage

  4. Jeff says:

    I love massages. I’ve never really cared about getting aroused on the table. I just assume they’ve seen it all before. In Thailand you can get an hour long massage for $10USD.

  5. […] local massagery and made an appointment for later that afternoon. The massage was a success–no farts, no erections–and afterward I paid the bill ($74) with the recommended tip ($15). There’s literally a […]

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