What Happens When You Reach 10,000 Instagram Followers?

Kim Kardashian. Barack Obama. Jamey Stegmaier.

What do these 3 people have in common? As of tonight, we will each have at least 10,000 Instagram followers.

As I write this, the count is at 9,998. It seems to reason that I will soon cross the 5-digit threshold. This is new territory for me, a coveted threshold of social media that I only assume comes with massive lifestyle changes. I’m not sure I’m prepared.

I’m guessing there will be some sort of ceremony at the moment I gain my 10,000th follower, probably something simple involving tasteful appetizers, classy drinks, and 10,000 swans dancing in unison. This could be problematic, though, as I’ll likely be sleeping at the time, and it’s very cold here in St. Louis. I would prefer to stay in bed.

While I’ve grown to cherish my friends over the last 38 years, I simply can’t foresee any of those relationships continuing after I reach the 10k mark. So I’ll be on the market for new friends, people who can better relate to the 10k lifestyle. We’ll be busy doing the types of things people do in Apple commercials.

Both of my cats–who are featured prominently in my Instagram feed–have already secured talent agents. Biddy has a 3-book deal, and Walter is giving a TED talk this weekend about postmodern masculinity.

I’m hoping I’ll be able to continue running Stonemaier Games, but who knows what 5 digits will bring? Most of my time will now by occupied by selfie sticks and 6-second “story” videos about food. Also, I’ll need to take up drinking coffee so I can take hourly photos of latte foam designs. Going from no caffeine to 16 cups of coffee a day should be an easy transition, right?

Even though this will be a learning process for us, I want to stay grounded and true to my roots. Like, next week when I’m flying in Taylor Swift’s private jet with Billy Zane, Banksy, and Dame Judi Dench, I’ll be sure to thank the pilot when I get off the plane in Cape Cod. #humbled #familyfirst #skittles

I look forward to this next step, and I’ll see you tomorrow when everything is different. If you’ve already reached 10k or know someone who has, I’d love any advice or words of wisdom.


17 Responses to “What Happens When You Reach 10,000 Instagram Followers?”

  1. Sandra says:

    Congratulations!
    Just to keep you humble or maybe as an example of what you could aim for in the future: Sci-fi author John Scalzi created a twitter account for his cats as a joke / comment on internet fame and the cats have 14,6 thousand followers:
    https://mobile.twitter.com/scamperbeasts

  2. As someone who has been living the 10k lifestyle for a year now, my best advice is to invest in a pair of sunglasses and a floppy hat. It will be the only way you will be able to leave the house without a constant barrage of selfie requests. Enjoy!

  3. Andrej says:

    Congratulations! Seriously, it’s been very good being at 10,000 for my wife, especially since we’ve been able to use the swipe up feature to link directly to her YouTube videos from Instagram stories. I’m sure you’ll find it useful.

  4. Joseph E. Pilkus III says:

    Congratulations…and I almost choked on my coffee. You have a very dry sense of humor which came through in your writing…well done!

  5. Your humorous writing is some of my favorite. How long until you right a fictional book? πŸ™‚

    • Jamey Stegmaier says:

      Thanks, Joe and Conor! Conor, I’ve written a few unpublished pieces of long-form fiction (a novel and a screenplay). πŸ™‚

  6. Matt H says:

    Congratulations! Your life is now fulfilled.

  7. Lindsay says:

    πŸ˜€ Well all that’s left now is to host JameyConFest on a remote island. Remember to get all the top influencers to post about it… and possibly befriend a famous rapper? But obviously make sure it’s a total disaster!

  8. I suppose this now means I need to have YOU sign MY phone next time I see you πŸ˜‚ Congrats on your new celebrity status.

    • Jamey Stegmaier says:

      I’ll see if I can fit it in my schedule–can you talk to my publicist and branding manager about that? πŸ™‚

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