What Happens When You Reach 10,000 Instagram Followers?

Kim Kardashian. Barack Obama. Jamey Stegmaier.

What do these 3 people have in common? As of tonight, we will each have at least 10,000 Instagram followers.

As I write this, the count is at 9,998. It seems to reason that I will soon cross the 5-digit threshold. This is new territory for me, a coveted threshold of social media that I only assume comes with massive lifestyle changes. I’m not sure I’m prepared.

I’m guessing there will be some sort of ceremony at the moment I gain my 10,000th follower, probably something simple involving tasteful appetizers, classy drinks, and 10,000 swans dancing in unison. This could be problematic, though, as I’ll likely be sleeping at the time, and it’s very cold here in St. Louis. I would prefer to stay in bed.

While I’ve grown to cherish my friends over the last 38 years, I simply can’t foresee any of those relationships continuing after I reach the 10k mark. So I’ll be on the market for new friends, people who can better relate to the 10k lifestyle. We’ll be busy doing the types of things people do in Apple commercials.

Both of my cats–who are featured prominently in my Instagram feed–have already secured talent agents. Biddy has a 3-book deal, and Walter is giving a TED talk this weekend about postmodern masculinity.

I’m hoping I’ll be able to continue running Stonemaier Games, but who knows what 5 digits will bring? Most of my time will now by occupied by selfie sticks and 6-second “story” videos about food. Also, I’ll need to take up drinking coffee so I can take hourly photos of latte foam designs. Going from no caffeine to 16 cups of coffee a day should be an easy transition, right?

Even though this will be a learning process for us, I want to stay grounded and true to my roots. Like, next week when I’m flying in Taylor Swift’s private jet with Billy Zane, Banksy, and Dame Judi Dench, I’ll be sure to thank the pilot when I get off the plane in Cape Cod. #humbled #familyfirst #skittles

I look forward to this next step, and I’ll see you tomorrow when everything is different. If you’ve already reached 10k or know someone who has, I’d love any advice or words of wisdom.