My dad passed away from cancer-related complications last Thursday, and I’m currently in my parents’ home in Virginia to be with family.
Up until this point, the closest person to me who has passed away was my grandmother. That was rough–plenty of tears and hugs–but as close as we were, it definitely feels different to lose my father. The end came suddenly, though the warning signs of cancer meant that I made multiple trips from St. Louis to Virginia this year. In terms of our father-son relationship, we were in a really good place.
While I’m in the middle of this process, I wanted to share some thoughts about what it’s like to lose a parent (perhaps that’s odd, but I process things best in writing).
Comments Actually Matter
Among other duties, I was in charge of writing Dad’s obituary. I’m glad I had that responsibility, but after I was done, I was left wanting to share who Dad was to me–the obituary is somewhat dry, encompassing who a person is to a lot of different people.
So I wrote a post on Facebook, and that was much more meaningful to me. Plus, I can edit it whenever I want.
I’ve seen people post about death on Facebook, and I typically just click the “caring heart” emoji, as I don’t really know what to say, nor do I want to put the burden on the griever to reply.
However, having now made this post, I can say that I’ll be commenting on such posts in the future. The content of the comments matters much less (in my new experience) than the fact that I can see such a wide variety of names of people who took the time to read the post and sympathize. It was truly touching to see people from all walks of my life–many of whom had a small connection to Dad–give their regards. I also now know that the comments that gave me the most peace are those who said my post gave them a clear glimpse of who Dad was to me (and those who were able to share something they remembered about my dad).
Logistics and Funeral Planning
Over the last few days, a significant amount of time has been covered by logistics and funeral planning. Picking the casket, the cemetery plot, the reception location, the music for the ceremony, and so much more…it’s a lot. It’s work.
And that’s okay. In some ways, it’s good to make these decisions together with my family. It is, after all, the living who are impacted by these decisions, not the dead.
However, I’m pretty sure this process would have been more focused on the people and the process of grieving if these decisions had been made in advance. Like, plan your funeral (or your parent’s funeral) now–don’t wait until it’s too late. I included that information in the living will I created a few years ago, and when the time is right, I’ll encourage my family members to do the same.
Grieving as an Introvert
One of the wonderful things to witness and experience over the last few days is how family members have converged on my parents’ house to talk, grieve, hug, and eat. I’m glad to be one of those family members (though the surprise 15-hour drive from St. Louis was rough).
However, as an introvert, I process things best by myself. So far I feel like I’m here for everyone else, and a part of me is looking forward to the quiet moments back in St. Louis when I can grieve. I’m so fortunate that I have both, and I don’t take that for granted.
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I know this is a tough topic, but if you have any thoughts from your experiences or observations, the comments are a safe and welcoming place for you to share.
I’m very sorry to learn of your loss, Jamey. I lost my only brother back in 2016 (he was 42, I was 35) and a lot of days it still feels like I’m processing it. I’m an introvert as well so I can definitely relate to the balance of eulogizing him at a huge memorial/reception while quietly longing to grieve with only my spouse or parents. I dread the days of having to bury my parents as their sole remaining child. Ugh…. very heavy times, and a lot of work, as you say. I hope you find some peace and happiness in remembering him with friends, family, and other connections.
My gaming friends and I have played a lot of Scythe, how I know of you. I’ll mention you and your dad the next time we’re together.
Thank you for sharing this. I can’t imagine losing my brother or sister, and I’m sorry you already had to go through that. I appreciate what you said about the balance.
Thanks for sharing your experiences, Jamey. I’m definitely one who tends to avoid public comments on more emotional topics. That’s a good critique of the value it can add, maybe even as someone who has never lost anyone that close. Like you before this, the closest person I’ve lost were my grandparents that lived halfway across the country when I was a kid and I often feel like there’s nothing I can offer, but that’s not true. People almost always appreciate heartfelt comments and concern.
Thanks for your comment, Alex. The comments on social media have been surprisingly helpful–I didn’t expect that, and I’m grateful for it.
Sprry for your loss, Jamey. My parents are not getting any younger, and we’ve never discussed their funeral. I’m worried to touch on the subject, but with what you describe I know we should discuss it.
Erwan, it’s definitely a difficult subject to broach. We started to have the conversation with my dad in August (just in case), but we didn’t complete it, and now we’re left guessing what he would have wanted.
Jamey, I don’t know you and I did not know your father, but I wanted to pass along my condolences for your loss. Both of my parents are in their 70s, and while they are both in good health, I know it is only a matter of time before they are gone. Death is a hard concept to grasp even though we all know it is inevitable. You can feel like you have “forever”, but it’s important to make the most of the time we actually do have with our friends and family.
I am also extremely introverted and prefer to process by myself. Everybody grieves in their own time and in their own way, so I wish you the time and quiet you need to process your grief.
Thank you for your note, Adam. I agree with you, and I’m so grateful for the 41 years I had with my dad. We had a good relationship for a long time, so I was fortunate that I didn’t feel like we needed to rush anything in his final years.
Sorry for your loss Jamey. I lost my father 10 years ago now and I know what you must be going through. I think the only advice I have ever given people is never to feel guilty about any emotions they felt at the time. Believe me, I went through a pile at the time and it went from sadness, to happiness to anger and everything inbetween. I ended up going to grief counselling to help me with the process, which ended up being the best thing I could have done. Sending you my condolences and thoughts at this difficult time friend.
Richard, I really appreciate that advice. I don’t think I’ve felt guilt about my feelings and reactions yet, but I’m sure I will at some point, and I’ll think of this when I do.
Jamie, so sorry to hear about your loss. I have been at a loss for words too in these situations. Our Empathy and care I have found has generally been gratefully received. I hope you get some time to yourself to reflect on all the good times and find comfort. All my best Burky
Thank you for sharing this, Burky, and I definitely appreciate the sentiments of “empathy and care,” as you said.
I will be honest Jamey, your writing touched me. I have not lost anyone in my family since my Grandmother and Grandfather well over 25 years ago. The understanding, logically that I will have to deal with this at some point is there, and yet, like many I just pretend like it will never happen. I am going to bookmark this so I can come back one day and reread this. You have my thoughts and prayers!
Thanks for your comment, Mark–I’m glad this connected with you.
Thank you. My gaming friend sent me your link (we are big fans). But I wanted you to write in to say how much this post helped me. I lost my dad on December 30 (just less than 4 weeks now) – he also had cancer and was in hospice for more than a year. What you have said rings so true. The comments that people shared meant so much and in fact, I believe it was the comments that people shared about my dad in those first couple days that broke me open and exposed my grief and helped me to really feel what I was feeling and begin to process it. The first week was so brutally hard. As you are in that terrible first week, I hope it was helpful to you and provided comfort to write out your thoughts. I also thought your Facebook post about your dad was so beautiful. The things you wrote are so helpful. I also learned a lot about how to be a good friend when someone else has lost a parent, because the acts of kindness I experienced were truly humbling and powerfully meaningful. I am helping my mother with the logistics and I do realize that planning this in advance would have been easier, but in some ways, having a task is a nice distraction from feeling bereft. The other thing that I learned is that no matter how much time you have to prepare (I had a few years!) you are never prepared for what you really feel when the time finally comes. It has been a rough month. I strived to have the conversations with my dad and spend the time such that I would have no regrets, but the fact was, I couldn’t/didn’t know the things I wanted to say until it was too late. It’s not so much regret; more about grief and the enormity of the loss. Anyway, I am sending love to you and the other folks whose loss of a parent weighs heavily. Your father sounds like an extraordinary person. I am so deeply sorry.
Jenni: Thank you so much for your detailed comment–there’s so much I can relate to here, though I’m so sorry you recently went through a similar process. In particular, I’ll remember this: “I also learned a lot about how to be a good friend when someone else has lost a parent, because the acts of kindness I experienced were truly humbling and powerfully meaningful.” Going through this process with my dad has hopefully prepared me to be a better friend to those around me when they go through major losses in their life too.
You and your family are in my thoughts, Jamey!
Everyone grieves in their own ways for sure. My brother told me that grief is like a basketball in a box at first with the trigger being a button on the bottom. Eventually, the ball grows smaller and hits that button less often.
It’s wild how family dynamics change after such loss. Despite the pandemic, I don’t see a lot of my family since my mom passed away in 2020.
It is a good idea to have things planned in advance. I’m thankful that our funeral home for mom didn’t play on our grief as a way to upsell the most expensive casket. They already had their plots.
Always appreciate the time you spend with those you care about. Life proves to be too short.
I’m remaining thankful for the time I’ve had, and for discovering Scythe the night my mom passed. It’s been bringing me joy ever since!
I’m really grateful that you commented here, Tim–I thought specifically of you and your mother as we drove through Evansville last Thursday during the last-minute trip to Virginia. I’m curious to see how my family dynamic will change over time as a result of this and future events.
Thank you, Jamey. Your vulnerability is so helpful to others who are grieving. I admit, I’ve almost always just clicked the “Care” emoji when a friend or family member is hurting and I don’t have words… I’m going to change that in the future.
You wrote this post on my own father’s birthday. That day, I had just posted a youtube video to his timeline of an old timey singer singing “Oh, My Papa. To me he was so wonderful. Oh, my Papa. To me, he was so grand!” because it was a song I remember him singing to me when I was younger. But when he used to sing it, it was in the present tense (“To me he is so wonderful”). When I posted it, he replied that the song had a lot of memories for him because his father (my grandfather) used to sing it to him when he (my dad) was younger. My grandfather was singing about his own father who had passed away when he was only 12. That extra knowledge will change my outlook on that song whenever I think of the phrase or my dad singing it…
I guess that story wouldn’t be important to anybody else, but it was one little piece of a story that helped me to understand my father one tiny bit better… Thank you for your introspective words that helped me introspect a little bit on the value of that moment.
Thank you for sharing this story, Lucas, and happy birthday to your father. My family did a lot of singing over the last few days, and a few of the songs will be forever linked to him.
Jamey, I am so sorry for your loss. Over the years I’ve tried to avoid thinking about losing my parents one day, but they’ve had several friends pass lately from covid, heart attacks and other issues. It’s really put things into perspective and caused us to have those tough conversations about certain logistics for when it happens. Those talks are uncomfortable and sad, but it’s good to know that it will be one less thing to worry about when the time comes.
I remember watching an interview with Andrew Garfield a few months ago where he talked about his late mother. He said that his grief is simply all of his unexpressed love for his mother. Even though he told her that he loved her every day, it’s never enough no matter how long someone is with you. I think putting grief in that perspective is really profound – that even though it’s about sadness and loss, it’s also about how much love you still have in your heart for that person after they’re gone. I hope maybe you can find a small piece of comfort in that as you mourn the loss of your father.
This is really beautiful, Katie—thank you so much. I really like the idea about the love still in my heart for my Dad.
Jamey,
I’m not as often on your personal blog, so I’m just reading this post today.
“I’ve seen people post about death on Facebook, and I typically just click the “caring heart” emoji, as I don’t really know what to say, nor do I want to put the burden on the griever to reply.”
I’ve not commented until now for much of these same reasons. I’ve prayed for you and your family during this time of mourning and remembrance. Thank you for sharing how people can support you and others. I’m sorry for the loss of your dad.
I really enjoyed the live stream your parents joined. They both clearly clearly have been very loving and nurturing. I can see your dad made a big impact for good on those around him.
Thanks for your thoughts, Joshua. It was really neat at the funeral to see the breadth of the people my dad has had a positive impact on.