What to Do When You Learn That Your Zodiac Isn’t What You Thought It Was

When I was in fourth grade, we spent a few hours one day learning about Chinese culture. Apparently the school board had deemed that was enough time to fully understand one of the largest, most populated, oldest countries in the world.

I distinctly remember learning my zodiac sign that day. I was born in January 1981, so the teacher told me I was born in the year of the rooster. I was secure in this knowledge…until yesterday.

Yesterday, a friend who was celebrating the Chinese New Year informed me that I was not born in the year of the rooster. Nay, I was born in the year of the monkey. The metal monkey.

This. Changes. Everything.

I’ve molded my entire life under the false pretense that my zodiac sign is a rooster. For every major decision I’ve made, I’ve asked myself, “What would a rooster do?” The answer has lead me down a number of paths that I’m now doubting:

  • What college should I attend? Obviously a rooster would attend Wash U over Middlebury or UVA.
  • What should my first job after college be? Quills are made of feathers, and roosters have feathers, so clearly I needed to work for the book publishing company instead of the fuel-transportation company.
  • Should I continue this long-distance relationship? Roosters can’t fly very far, so I definitely needed to break up with my interstate girlfriend and stick to local relationships instead.

Heck, I even created a core mechanism in my first published game, Viticulture, based on the rooster!

Now that I know my zodiac is actually a monkey, a lot of things need to change in my life. I’m open to recommendations. What’s something monkeys do that I should incorporate into my daily routine?


13 Responses to “What to Do When You Learn That Your Zodiac Isn’t What You Thought It Was”

  1. Katy says:

    Eat a banana a day!

  2. Tony Miller says:

    I too am a Metal Monkey. Born in Jan of 1981. I even have a monkey tattoo because of it, so I recommend that.

  3. Daniel Newman says:

    fling poo?

  4. Chris McG says:

    You’ll need to play more Win, Lose, Banana.

  5. Alex Schmidt says:

    That’s funny, as a January birthday I had the same thing happen to me. I grew up thinking I was born in the year of the dragon and then only in college discovered I was actually a rabbit. A couple of times my parents even got us zodiac themed gifts and mine were always dragon things. When I found out, I think I was depressed for the rest of the day. Who wants to be a rabbit when you could have been a dragon.

  6. Philip Redhead says:

    Immerse yourself in your identity – rent the Planet Of The Apes Movies whilst drinking banana daiquiris and hanging from the ceiling. Oh, and don’t forget to preen members of your tribe at your local watering hole – any photos would definitely be appreciated…

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