The Super Bowl in Which I Root for No One

hi-res-9617d6035812be05e3e939035454ea90_crop_northGiven the track record of these two teams in recent years, this was bound to happen: My two least favorite teams in the NFL are playing in the Super Bowl in a few days.

So now I have to decide whom to root for.

I don’t want to spend this post bashing on the two teams. Let’s just say I have my reasons for disliking them. A few of the milder reasons include that the Seahawks are bitter rivals of my #1 team, the San Francisco 49ers and that the Patriots beat my #2 team, the St. Louis Rams, in the 2002 Super Bowl. My football grudges run deep.

Also, you might be wondering: Why does Jamey need to root for either team? Couldn’t he just have a good time with his friends, eat too much buffalo chicken dip, and hope for some good movie trailer commercials?

The answer is simply that I can’t not root for one of the teams. This is a major sporting event. I want to be swept away in a tide of emotion (and buffalo chicken dip).

I wish I could make a decision, but this is like choosing between eating sauerkraut (aka The Devil’s Dandruff) and olives (aka tree testicles): I genuinely don’t want either of them.

I think the best I can do is watch the game and see if I find myself rooting for one team over another. I imagine it’s like going to a swingers party and waiting for something to pique your interest. It won’t be long before you find yourself handcuffed to a rocking chair wearing a stethoscope and a 1920s-style men’s bathing suit.

We’ll see what happens.


9 thoughts on “The Super Bowl in Which I Root for No One”

  1. Want to place a bet? $20 on Seahawks. I guess you now have to root for Patriots. And olives are not tree testicles. They are salty and delicious!

  2. Preach brother. I’m rooting for the Patriots to win and then have the victory vacated by the NFL for their cheating shenanigans. Then, everybody loses!


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