The Super Bowl in Which I Root for No One

hi-res-9617d6035812be05e3e939035454ea90_crop_northGiven the track record of these two teams in recent years, this was bound to happen: My two least favorite teams in the NFL are playing in the Super Bowl in a few days.

So now I have to decide whom to root for.

I don’t want to spend this post bashing on the two teams. Let’s just say I have my reasons for disliking them. A few of the milder reasons include that the Seahawks are bitter rivals of my #1 team, the San Francisco 49ers and that the Patriots beat my #2 team, the St. Louis Rams, in the 2002 Super Bowl. My football grudges run deep.

Also, you might be wondering: Why does Jamey need to root for either team? Couldn’t he just have a good time with his friends, eat too much buffalo chicken dip, and hope for some good movie trailer commercials?

The answer is simply that I can’t not root for one of the teams. This is a major sporting event. I want to be swept away in a tide of emotion (and buffalo chicken dip).

I wish I could make a decision, but this is like choosing between eating sauerkraut (aka The Devil’s Dandruff) and olives (aka tree testicles): I genuinely don’t want either of them.

I think the best I can do is watch the game and see if I find myself rooting for one team over another. I imagine it’s like going to a swingers party and waiting for something to pique your interest. It won’t be long before you find yourself handcuffed to a rocking chair wearing a stethoscope and a 1920s-style men’s bathing suit.

We’ll see what happens.