Top 10 Festivus Grievances of All Time

From 2004 to 2013, I hosted an annual Festivus party at my home in December. It started as a relatively small gathering of friends and acquaintances, and it grew to a massive affair where my condo was bursting at the seams with people. Good times.

Festivus, if you haven’t heard of it, is a made-up holiday that originated on Seinfeld. One of the core tenets to Festivus is the airing of grievances, and that aspect became a big part of my Festivus party. People would write down their grievances on whiteboards spread around my house, and when my hangover wore off the following day, I would sort through them run them by some impartial judges, and declare the top 10 grievances on this blog.

With Festivus approaching on December 23, I thought it might be a good time to look back on the best of the best grievances. Here’s the list:

10. I don’t piss all over the men’s room floor. You don’t piss all over the men’s room floor. So who the hell is pissing all over the men’s room floor?

9. That Somali pirates don’t talk like pirates.

8. That “tapas” sounds all too much like “topless.” My mom is convinced that I regularly eat garlic bread, goat cheese, and marinara sauce in front of exotic dancers.

7. Pluto—not a planet? You let me down!

6. Facebook stalking: What happened to the romance of a full tank of gas and binoculars?

5. Got passed over for a promotion at work—had to train person who got the job.

4. Facebook friend requests for people I went to high school with who never talked to me in high school.

3. When people speed up when I’m trying to pass them. And when people still pass me even though I speed up.

2. Automatic toilets that flush before I’m finished. It’s gross, and then I just have to flush it again when I’m really done. Not very green, is it?

1. When you e-mail someone and they call in response. If I wanted to hear your voice, I would have picked up the phone in the first place.

Which of these resonates the most with you? Happy Festivus!


11 Responses to “Top 10 Festivus Grievances of All Time”

  1. Frank Hamrick says:

    #3, #7, #10 . #11 – Restroom doors that open inward so that a) anyone can look in as the door always opens to expose the urinals; and b) your just washed hands have to pull the handle after some guy before you went out without washing his hands!

  2. ActivePuck (Chris H) says:

    We have #2 at work and I hate it so much. “Lemme lean over a bit and –” FLUSH

    “&*!@#*%”

    My grievance is people who speed up when you use your signal trying to do a lane change. This isn’t Suzuka, you’re not going to win a prize for coming in “first.”

    • Jamey Stegmaier says:

      Chris: People do get oddly competitive in their cars, don’t they? 🙂

      • Frank Hamrick says:

        I think the competitive nature in driving is reflected in Social Media. There is an anonymous freedom in both. Things I would never say to someone face-to-face I will say in SM, and the same in driving. They don’t know me, I don’t know them – so the worst comes out. Have you ever gotten upset over a car cutting in front of you, or speeding past you, and you re-acted in some sophomoric fashion, only to discover it was a friend, or a fellow church-member, neighbor, etc. ? Quite embarrassing! 🙂

    • Gabe Barrett says:

      Cover the sensor with a few sheets of toilet paper. It’ll prevent premature flushes, and when you’re done, just remove the paper, and it’ll flush without getting your rear end wet.

  3. Frank says:

    This is such an educational blog! Thanks for the insights Gabe, and Jamie! It’s why I love the internet. 🙂

  4. Bad drivers had me completely annoyed in 2017.
    – Turning into your lane without flashers!
    – Drivers who lane hop to try and make an exit or make a right turn when a rational human being would just wait for the next opportunity.
    – Idiots who end up driving right through red lights after the yellow and gliding through stops instead of making at least a 1 or 2 count.
    – Tailgaters who think that you’ll yield to them when you’re already going a bit above the limit and there are plenty of cars ahead of you. The worst part is that if you have to break quickly these jerks will rear end you.

    • – Cell phone use while behind the wheel. The phone is glued to the side of their face and they are blathering away or they are actually looking down at their lap where their device is. I guess getting your license revoked in most cases isn’t enough of a penalty.
      – Putting four-way flashers on way too late when they want to make a short stop at a curb when there are tons of motorists behind them.

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