I Survived My First Trip to the Eye Doctor (Barely)

a-clockwork-orange-501172lUntil today, I had never had an appointment with an eye doctor. I’ve had 20/20 vision my entire life and no serious eye injuries, so I never needed to go.

So when I got something in my eye last week that I couldn’t locate after several days of discomfort, I decided to take the plunge and go to the eye doctor.

Needless to say, I was quite nervous. I do NOT like the idea of someone touching my eye, putting drops in my eye, or messing with my eye in any way. So I thought I’d share how I imaged the visit going today, followed by how it actually went.


DOCTOR: Hi, I’m Dr. Optical Knife. What brings you to the eye doctor today?

ME: Well, I’ve had something in my eye for about a week now.

DOCTOR: Let’s take a look. Nurse, can you bring in the harness?

(nurse wheels in elaborate gurney)

DOCTOR: Okay, we need to strap you into this archaic apparatus. There you go. Now bite down on this bit–it’s the same type horses wear. There you go, good boy.

ME (thrashing around, snarling)

DOCTOR (peeling my eyelids back with a prong): Okay, I’m just going to drop some liquid in your eye that will temporarily blind you and leave you impotent for 12-14 weeks. Hold still.

ME (growling and straining against the harness)

DOCTOR: Now I need to take this needle and put it very close to your eye. (offers no other explanation)

NURSE: I’ll prepare the vacuum.

DOCTOR: Thank you. Mr. Stegmaier, we’re going to remove your eye to get a better look at it. This is standard procedure for any visit to the eye doctor. You’ll feel a slight pinch.

ME (gets an arm free, makes a dash for the exit)

DOCTOR: Nurse! We’ve got a runner!

NURSE (tases me in the neck, drags me back to the room): Got him. Proceed with extraction.

DOCTOR (examining the eye): Mr. Stegmaier, your eye is fine–the slight discomfort you’ve felt over the last week was your imagination. However, it looks like your vision has dipped slightly below 20/20, which means you have to wear contacts from now on.

ME: Noooooooo!

DOCTOR: We’re going to end this visit by sedating you and returning you to your home. When you wake up, you’ll have a slight headache and no memory of this visit, like in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Thanks for coming!


Those are pretty much all of my worst fears of going to the eye doctor. Here’s how it actually happened:

I was tested for vision, and it’s still 20/20. The doctor did put some drops in my eye (which I fought off a little bit, but not too much), shined some bright lights at me, and peeled up my eyelid, but it wasn’t too bad.

He couldn’t find any foreign bodies, BUT he said he could see there was irritation, source unknown. So he gave me some mild anti-flammatory eye drops.

Has anyone else never been to the eye doctor? Is this how you picture it happening?

Click here and scroll down for other heroic tales of survival.